Day Two

I am getting a late start for my writing therapy.  All day long I found other things that needed to be done; calls to wish my sister a happy birthday, a long overdue conversation with my old best friend, a trip to Goodwill to donate some clothes, a shine for the car, whatever, just to fill in some of the time of the day so I wouldn't think about the unthinkable - the negative thoughts about the present, about the future.  Stay positive, that is my goal, never cede any ground to the doubts, to the voice that wants to say it can't be done, whatever it is that needs to be done.

So late at the keyboard, dropping words onto the screen like some primitive video game, dropping loudly to the bottom, screaming wildly at me as they fall away from any logical thought or ideas.  I can only keep the flow going enough to shut out everything else, but for how long?

I am getting sleepy; its after 10pm and I have clocked some miles with soccer practice and beating the traffic to cross town.  I will try again tomorrow.  While this hurt, it was nothing compared to the soreness of the pushups that I barely was able to do 8 of.  I guess the brain muscle gets sore too and cries out when I try to use it again without giving enough rest.

Peace.   

First attempt

Okay, so I am writing a blog because I need a place to just write.  I am trying to allow my brain to dump out all the stored garbage that his amassed in the grey area over these past few, okay 47, years.  There is a lot that has taken root in the caverns of the mind, hidden in the dark areas that have not seen the light of day for years.  Maybe, if I get lucky, this exercise will end up literally "exorcising" the demons that inhabit the depths of my mind and have been making me change from the happy smiling person I remember from years ago, into the angrier, unconfident person that I have slowly become.

I am counting on the this homemade therapy to release me from the pain, let the outer coat of tarnished paint rub off, and expose the inner shine that used to be here but was most likely taken for granted, especially by me.  Life, aint so bad, never has been.  Tragedies come and go, wounds bleed and heal, but the force of the soul and the life within can still light up enough for all to see for miles, right?

I find that the act of doing any exercise, mental or physical is simple stuff, yet nearly impossible to start for me.  Once I am at the gym, on the keyboard, in the pool or on the track, it really isn't that hard to do what I set up to do.  Its just the resistance that I put up in my head before I actually get to the point of doing what it is that I need to do that is intense and impressive.  Why am I so resistant to movement when I know that it is the only way to progress?  Why so I put up the resistance that is most likely the root of all my issues?  Its like there is a fear to let go of something, even if it isn't something good, becuase then I am floating and the weightlessness if causing me fear.  OR maybe the fear of weightlessness is causing the stress.

Well, as I write this on the screen, I am not allowed to go back and reread for clarity or congruence.  Its a massive brain dump - just random thoughts coming out on whatever is on my mind at the time.  Apparently the process is weighing pretty heavy on my mind right now as I am not talking about anything in particular.  That makes sense, as it has taken me over 3 weeks to get to this point.  I read a book encouraging me to do just this, I bought a notebook to write in and even put it next to my bed so that I can get to business first thing in the morning, at the time when my resistance is lowest and my ability to actually get to my thoughts without applying filters is most likely strongest.

I am ended for today - with the hope that I make good on the promise to myself that I will do this again tomorrow. While I am on the kick of getting into good habits, I should make myself do 20 pushups too - been a while since I have been regularly going to the gym - always an excuse about not waating to join a gym, not wanting to use the inadequately equipped one at the clubhouse on the property here.  I need to hit that issue too, while I am doing so well with the writing.  Hasta manana.